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Battlefield Ee-arth/Transcript
DISCLAIMER BULMA: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to Capsule Corporation in West City) BULMA: Hey, Yamcha. Thanks for coming by and picking up the rest of your stuff. YAMCHA: Hey, no problem. I mean, didn't have to, you know, throw out most of it... BULMA: Eh, you were dead and it was taking up space. OOLONG: Much like your corpse. YAMCHA: Ha-ha. Ah, where did you bury me anyway? BULMA: Bury? (shows a shot of Yamcha's corpse, still decaying in the pit he died in, with buzzing sounds being heard off-screen) OOLONG: So, Bulma. How's the single life treating you? BULMA: It's been nice, actually. Had a dream about Vegeta last night... YAMCHA: You slut! BULMA: We were walking in a park... YAMCHA: You slut! BULMA: Okay, first off, we're not even dating. Second of all, I don't even like him. (Vegeta spaceship is seen falling in the distance) Third, he's probably running out of fuel soon, so God knows if he'll ever make it back here. (Vegeta's spaceship crash-lands in Capsule Corporation) VEGETA: I'm back, bitches! SEQUENCE (cut to Bulma, Yamcha, Puar, and Mrs. Briefs in front of Vegeta spaceship) MRS. BRIEFS: Sweetie, roll out the cot! I think we have a visitor! (Vegeta begins to exit the spaceship) DR. BRIEFS: (off-screen) Is he colored? MRS. BRIEFS: I'm not sure, I never open my eyes! YAMCHA: Hey! You've got a lot of nerve coming back here! VEGETA: Oh, a valet. Neat. I'm not tipping. YAMCHA: Don't you remember who I am? We fought when you landed on Earth! VEGETA: No, I fought Kakarot-- Nappa fought everyone else. Well, except for that one scrub who got killed by a Saiba-- (stops himself and remembers who Yamcha is and begins to laugh hysterically) YAMCHA: Oh, yeah!? I dare you to come over here and laugh at me! (Vegeta lands right in front of Yamcha's face) VEGETA: Ha. Ha. Ha. YAMCHA: (nervously) Yeah, see, now we can laugh together. BULMA: Okay, seriously, we have enough to clean up without a pool of Yamcha's urine. You, come with me. VEGETA: What? Why? BULMA: Because you need a shower; I could smell you from East City. VEGETA: (starts muttering to himself) ...smell you from East City... (continues muttering) YAMCHA: (thinking) Yeah, you better run... (cut to Vegeta taking a shower at Bulma's place) BULMA: Hey, I'm setting out some new clothes for you and I'm gonna wash your armor! VEGETA: Fine, but be careful! Those are dry-clean only! BULMA: Whatever! (puts Vegeta's jumpsuit in the washer) VEGETA: No, seriously! They lose their elasticity! (Bulma is already gone) Hello? (cut to the balcony) KRILLIN: So, Vegeta's living here now? That's neat. YAMCHA: The man single-handedly responsible for murdering most of the entire gang is taking a shower in the other room. "Neat" is not the first word that comes to mind. BULMA: Okay, so I just got a look at Vegeta's ass, and besides being surprisingly nice, he's got this weird hole. YAMCHA: Uh, yeah. Even boys have those, Bulma. BULMA: No, you idiot! I mean a hole above that one! YAMCHA: ...You mean he's a chick? VEGETA: (from inside the shower) Earth Woman! Where's the cleansing powder? BULMA: We don't have that here. We have soap. VEGETA: (from inside the shower) The hell is soap? BULMA: It's that yellow block there made of animal fat. VEGETA: (from inside the shower) That sounds awesome ! (takes a bite and then splutters) This tastes nothing like what you just said! YAMCHA: Okay, I changed my mind, this is pretty neat. VEGETA: (from inside the shower) Is that the beta-male? BULMA: No, Krillin just got here! VEGETA: (from inside the shower) Oh, God, they're breeding! I swear, the only thing I hate more than weaklings is the color pink! (is heard turning off the shower and getting out before noticing the new set of clothes Bulma left for him) AAAAAAAAHHHHH! (cut to King Cold's ship approaching Earth) KING COLD: There it is; the home of the brute who dared laid hands on my darling little angel. FRIEZA: Yes, daddy. KING COLD: What a pretty little blue pearl it is. What was it called? Ee-arth? FRIEZA: Actually, it's pronounced Earth, daddy-daddy-daddy-daddy. (shorts out on one ear) KING COLD: Really? But there's an "a" in it. I'm just going to keep calling it Ee-arth. FRIEZA: It doesn't really matter anyway. Soon, it will have a brand-new name: Vacant Lot. (cut back to the balcony on Earth) VEGETA: Son of a bitch! YAMCHA: What, still ticked off about the shirt? VEGETA: No, I'm--well, yes actually, I'm absolutely livid--but that's not the point! That idiot Kakarot failed! Frieza's still alive! (cut to Tien and Chiaotzu in the wilderness) TIEN: Chiaotzu, do you feel that? There are two enormous power levels approaching the planet! CHIAOTZU: Yeah, see... Last time this happened, I blew myself up. TIEN: Yeah, I was gonna ask you to hold off on that this time. (cut to Piccolo destroying some glaciers) NAIL: (See, now we just have to carve out an area, and then we'll start building the-- hey, do you feel that?) PICCOLO: Frieza?! NOOOOOOOOOO! NAIL: (Okay, I'm right here-- please stop yelling!) (cut to Gohan at his house on the phone with Krillin) KRILLIN: (over the phone) Oh, God, Gohan, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him! GOHAN: Krillin, calm down! Now, are you sure it's him? (shifts to Krillin on the phone at Kame House) KRILLIN: Gohan, once you've had a man inside of you, you know when he's coming! (shifts back Gohan at his house) GOHAN: Mom, where's my Saiyan suit? (cut to Vegeta at Bulma's place) VEGETA: Woman, where is my Saiyan suit? (back to Gohan's) CHI-CHI: (off-screen) It's under your bed! GOHAN: Thank you! (puts on his armor) (back Vegeta) BULMA: (off-screen) It's in the wash! VEGETA: You bitch! (cut to Gohan, Krillin, Vegeta, Yamcha, Tien, and Chiaotzu all flying off and arriving at the spot where Freeza is expected to land) VEGETA: All right, judging by how quickly his power level is closing in, he should be here in about... YAMCHA: Hey, so I need to talk to you about Bulma. VEGETA: You cannot be serious! YAMCHA: Look, we're not dating anymore, but still, she's a really close friend and-- VEGETA: You are actually doing this right now? (Bulma arrives at the area) BULMA: Hey, guys! VEGETA: Oh, great, and she's here, too! Why don't all you idiots just start showing up? KRILLIN: Hey, Vegeta! VEGETA: (off-screen) I was f**king kidding! (Tien and Chiaotzu arrive at the area) YAMCHA: Tenshinhan! Chiaotzu! TIEN: Huh. Looks like we got here in time. Oh, hey. Vegeta. VEGETA: What? TIEN: Nice shirt. VEGETA: And there it is! Now all we need is the Namekian and we'll have the whole Potpourri of Pathetic. PICCOLO: Uh, been here the whole time, actually. VEGETA: Oh, what do you want, a medal? PICCOLO: Nice shirt. VEGETA: Kiss my ass, green man! PICCOLO: Yeah, it's the kind of shirt that really screams-- *gasps* He's coming! (Frieza's ship is seen arriving on Earth, flying above the group, and starts landing a far distance away from everyone) KRILLIN: 'He's landing over there! ''(the ship is seen backing up '''PICCOLO: Wait, now he's pulling back! (the ship is seen moving forward) KRILLIN: No, now he's...going back that way... (the ship keeps going back and forth) What's he doing? (cut over to the ship landing in an area) FRIEZA: Daddy, we can park anywhere we want! KING COLD: Now, son, if this is anything like that jockstrap incident, we don't want to get boxed in. (back over at the group) KRILLIN: So has anyone else noticed that there are two power levels around the same strength on that ship? VEGETA: Yeah, it's probably his dad. YAMCHA: He has a father?! PICCOLO: Makes sense. Everyone has a dad... 'Cept me. VEGETA: Ha! Your dad's dead! PICCOLO: So's yours. VEGETA: Ha! GOHAN: So, essentially, we have two opponents of equal strength that my father could only beat after fulfilling an ancient alien prophecy. Does anyone in particular know exactly what they're doing here besides trying not to LOSE IT? YAMCHA: (completely loses it) Guys, we are so screwed! I don't know what we're gonna do! I mean, this is completely crazy! Why did I come here again? We're going to die! (continues breaking down off-screen while the camera goes over to Gohan, Krillin, and Bulma's ) I'm gonna die again! I don't wanna die again! Once was bad enough! Oh, my God...! KRILLIN: You know, if he weren't doing it, I would. VEGETA: We don't need Kakarot or anyone else. You have enough badass Saiyan on your team as it is. Now, if you'll excuse me, you can all just sit on your hands while I go up there and take care of business. (the back of his pink shirt says "Juicy") GOHAN: Or, maybe we could hide our power levels, sneak closer to them, survey the situation from up close, and perhaps catch them by surprise? VEGETA: (faces away from Gohan) Y'all are bitches. (cut over at King Cold's ship) KING COLD: Well, son, is this what you were expecting? FRIEZA: My God, this is droll. We're so far out in the space sti-ti-ti-ti-ticks... There's not even a Space Radio Shack... Much less a Space Best Buy-Buy-Buy-Buy-- (shorts out) Circuit City. KING COLD: Are you all right? FRIEZA: Yes, daddy. Just processing. KING COLD: And wouldn't you know it, no place to buy more RAM! FRIEZA: But I won't lie, daddy. I'm absolutely ecstatic. When that filthy monkey arrives back on the planet, he'll return not to the smiling faces of his dear friends and family, but a total, unadulterated genocide! Speaking of which, soldiers, the scavenger hunt will proceed as such: normal human heads are worth one point, Namekian heads are worth twenty, filthy half-Saiyan brats-- fifty. And if you find any miserable, odious, insubordinate, full-blooded monkey garbage...you win! Well, off you go! KING COLD'S MEN: Yes, sir! (a couple of King Cold's soldiers move out only to get cut down by a mysterious young man who floats down and lands in front Frieza, King Cold, and the rest of King Cold's men before sheathing his sword) YOUNG MAN: So, how many points are those? SEQUENCE STINGER YAMCHA: Oh, my God, guys! I don't know what we're gonna do here! I-I-I can't do anything! This is completely insane! I can-- I'm talking completely, totally out-of-your-MIND insane! I mean, look at the-- look at those guys! I mean, I can't see them, but I can know they're there, and that's bad enough! I, I, d-- oh, g-- there it goes-- there it goes, my pants! I can't believe-- my pants are moist now! I mean, no, no, no, I'm a man. I'm a ma-- OH GOD, I'M NOT A MAN ANYMORE! What does it matter if I'm a man, a woman, a monkey... *laughs* I'm talking nonsense right now... FAULERRO: That literally dissolved into nonsense.